August 25, 2018


By Semtex In THE ITCH

With the internet’s latest obsession centered around the inexplicably weird dynamic happening between Grimes, Azealia Banks and Elon Musk, it sheds light on the fact that 1) Grimes is technically controlling the stock market with her alleged reefer madness influence and 2) people with money are just as about life as you are.


The bizarre essence of what “reality” “is” these days has only augmented with the strange and ephemeral “alliance” that took place between known lover of smear campaigns Azealia Banks and known traitor to her purported principles Grimes.

While one would assume that any news headlines about the duo could (and should) only pertain to a musical collaboration, it’s instead all about their bizarre non-love triangle with everyone’s least favorite non-American president businessman, Elon Musk, now under further fire from the SEC and his investors as a direct result of these highly teen girl exchanges that read like something between Kirsten Dunst‘s and Michelle Williams‘ characters in Dick (1999).

“He got into weed cuz of me,” Grimes boasts to Banks in one of many screen shots Banks added to her story of late. First of all, how old are we? Is this fucking college with the “artsy” girl taking the business major under her wing and making him see the error of his empty material pursuits by opening his eyes with a little mind-altering Mary J? No it is not–but apparently it is. Though it wasn’t really a secret before that high school never ends, this is certainly a not so gentle reminder.

Elsewhere, Grimes also brags, as though some sort of desperate cheerleader eager to justify her whoredom, “e has a giant dick” to which Banks rightly points out that Grimes likely has a “small coochie” as a result of being thin, so everything probably feels big to her.

Also according to Grimes, in a screen shot Banks has highlighted with a circle and the Paris Hilton-approved label “pathological liar,” “He’s super entertained by 420 so when he decided to take the stock private he calculated it was wroth $419 so he rounded up to 420 for a laugh and now the sec is investigating him for fraud.” So that’s encouraging, you know, that a Canadian waif can make or break financial decisions with the mere introduction of a puerile substance. Even if Grimes is “pathologically lying” about the extent of her influence over “big dick E,” the fact that Musk is dating a woman so clearly amused in the most tee-hee-hee of ways by infiltrating the business world as what Lana Del Rey would call being just “a simple singer” is a bit unnerving in terms of her controlling Musk’s major decision making through his wang and/or drug intake. As one of the most visible and powerful business leaders in the world (a South African Donald Trump if you will–luckily, however, he is not eligible to run for president), Musk’s integrity and intelligence has been perhaps irrevocably flouted because two women were clucking like hens to one another and now one of them has seen fit to bring the henhouse into the public space.

Like Kim Kardashian showing the world the big kahuna of receipts in the form of a recording of Taylor Swift giving Kanye West permission to use her as fodder in the lyrics for “Famous,” Banks has caused an irreversible stain to appear on the already spotty track record of both parties, especially in their current stead as “a single unit.” This, of course, says just as much about her as it does about them, her unremitting history of bullying on the internet taken to peak heights with each new imbroglio. Nonetheless, if there’s anything we can all take away from this outlandish (like Michael Jackson in any period outside the 80s outlandish) exchange, it’s the simultaneous consolation and unsettling discomfort that people with money are arguably just as discombobulated about how to approach life as you are, and arguably just as dumb as the average person but perhaps merely luckier in matters pertaining to financial boons. In the meantime, let’s hope Grimes doesn’t “introduce” the 69 position to Musk, prompting him to suddenly set his stocks at a price of the same number and cause further chaos in these fluctuations.

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